Queer Wedding Inspiration: Inclusive Details for Your Big Day

My previous LGBTQ wedding blog focused on vendors becoming more inclusive and affirming, or for celebrants looking for an affirming vendor; this blog I want to focus on some more of the fun things! The wedding industry tends to be very cis-het normative (that is, the standard is cisgendered heterosexual couples – ie. male and female couples that are not transgender). Maybe you are a part of the LGBTQ community and looking some ways to make your day unique, and really honor you a bit more, maybe you are nonbinary or trans and need some ideas, or maybe you just know you will have folx from the LGBTQ community present at your wedding (maybe even in your wedding party) and want to be more inclusive! Some of the ideas I think may just be easier or more fun in general, so why not?

Let’s think about some of the details first: save the dates, invitations, cake toppers, signs, cuff links, the list can go on forever because really you can customize anything now.

• Instead of Mr. and Mrs. – opt to forego the honorifics and use names instead. Same thing goes for GUEST details.

• If you are looking for an honorific, maybe Mx., pronounced mix, suits you better (gender neutral and does not denote if you are married or single)

• Queer hints

  • Rainbow colors on shoelaces or soles of shoes

  • Rainbow cake under the frosting or decorated outside

  • Historically queer cities or locations as table names

  • Donating to LGBTQ+ charities in lieu of guest gifts

  • Buying from LGBTQ+ owned vendors/shops

Onto Getting Ready and First Look ideas. Obviously because we are all at the mercy of social media algorithms, I have come across a lot of other queer educators, photographers, and lots of wedding industry folx. I’ve also made some awesome friends this way, and it has led to some fun conversations.

• Getting ready TOGETHER! This is just so much fun – less stress (trust me! The stress of making sure the other partner is operating on time…), you get to help each other with the small details of your wedding wear. It is intimate time between the two of you just being documented by your photo (and) video team!

• First looks: Find an alternative to the one married walking up and and tapping the other on the shoulder.

  • 3…2…1…surprise? And turn around?

  • Walk around the corner to each other

  • Have a wedding party attendee walk you both together either back to back, or blindfolded facing each other and remove the blindfolds at the same time

  • Simply walking into a hallway or another room together, and watch your soon to be spouse walking towards you (or walking towards them!)

As for the ceremony, reception, and beyond, I wrote a bit about in my previous blog. I tried to make my own ceremony and reception as gender neutral as possible because I did not feel like either binary labels fit me at the time (even to this day I still use Mx. because I feel it fits me better than Mr).

• For your vows and ceremony, whether you write them yourself or someone else writes something, you can eliminate pronouns wherever necessary.

  • One of our friends married us, and I wrote the ceremony by pulling together a bunch of LGBTQ and secular wedding ceremony ideas, but removing gendered pronouns to work for us

  • Instead of he/him/she/her/bride/groom, opt for they/them/the couple/the newlyweds, the “new last names”

  • In a recent Facebook post I even saw someone use Player 1 and Player 2

• Ask the DJ to introduce you at the reception however you feel comfortable:

  • Your names

  • the newlyweds

  • the “new last names”

  • the celebrants, etc etc

  • Whichever honorifics you use

• You could also ask the DJ to avoid gendered terms throughout the event, even when referring to guests

  • Let them know what terms you and your spouse use

  • Let them know how you will refer to your wedding party, and individuals in the party

  • Ask them to leave out “ladies and gentlemen”

• Instead of Father/Daughter or Mother/Son dances, you can opt for “special dances”

  • If parents cannot be there, I have seen friends and other family members step in

• Instead of bridal party/bridesmaids/groomsmen/flower girl/brothers/sisters

  • Wedding party

  • Flower person/pal

  • Person of honor/Best Person

  • Attendants/Honor attendant

  • Maybe you are switching up wedding party folx and they identify within a binary: best woman, groomsmaid, groomswoman etc

  • Siblings

  • Why not just mix up the wedding parties completely?

• Allow for wedding party to wear clothing that feels affirming to them but still fits your wedding theme: jumpsuits, suits, dresses, etc

• Consider opting out of the garter/bouquet toss, but if you don’t you could opt to just invite singles up.

• If the venue has gendered restrooms – ask if they have gender neutral facilities or ask if they would consider changing the signs (even temporarily)

And of course, it should go without saying, but wear what you feel comfortable in and consider asking your wedding party about their attire comfort level as well (you can work together to find how to fit it to your wedding idea). These are just some ideas to affirm EVERYONE, and you can take ideas and leave others. You do not have to completely eliminate gendered terms from your vocabulary, though! There are queer/trans/cis folx who do want you to use binary pronouns or terms for them, but when you are not speaking specifically to someone where you know their pronouns or identity, you would not want to make them feel less than or other. If someone refers to themselves as a bride or groom, of course! Affirm their identity and use those words!!

This may seem like a lot, and sometimes there is a worry that people will not understand about asking for pronouns, or even notice that we are using more inclusive language – but I promise for the people that it really truly matters for, the effort will be seen and appreciated so much; ESPECIALLY when it is followed up in practice.

HAVE FUN PLANNING YOUR DAY AND ENJOY YOUR DAY! If you have any other ideas, feel free to drop them below! And if you are looking for a queer affirming photographer, or interested in educating yourself more to become a more affirming vendor drop me a line!

If you’re looking for a cute LGBTQ+ elopement, visit Alyssa and Brianna’s blog feature!